North Shore Nine

It can’t all be serious baseball talk on a blog. Sometimes you have to have a little fun. So, with that in mind, I present to you a nice little joke.

There were three little people in town who were all in the same age range and went through school together. Being the only three kids in their school with dwarfism, they all became very close friends and remained that way all the way through school. This story starts after school when they’re all grown and have families of their own. OK, grown was probably a poor choice there. Let’s say matured.

They all three have jobs and family responsibilities now but have remained very close and make sure to set aside one evening a week to get together. Just the three of them. No outsiders. One evening while smoking cigars and having a couple of beers one of the friends said, “Guys, I have some exciting news. For a while now, I’ve thought that there was a good chance that I have the smallest feet in the world so I’ve contacted the Guinness Book of World Records and I have an appointment to have them officially measured and I may end up in the record book.”

They all toast their friend with a bit of celebration when the second friend says, “I’m so happy for you, and this probably sounds a bit crazy but I’ve long thought I might have the smallest hands in the entire world so I, too, reached out to the Guinness Book of World Records and they’ve set up an appointment to have them officially measured. How cool would it be if both of us ended up in the book?” The three friends all toasted each other and were telling each other good luck.

The third friend was feeling a bit left out, but he did have bigger hands and feet than both of his friends so he wasn’t really sure there was anything he could do about it. So they just kept drinking and reminiscing about the good ol’ days. After a couple of beers the third friend said, “Well, if you guys are going to try to be in the Guinness Book of World Records, I think there may be a way I could get in too. This is a bit embarrassing, but I don’t want to be the only one left out. I think there is a really good chance I have the smallest penis in the world. Maybe I could go with you guys and get an official measurement.”

Well, you know how guys can be so there was definitely some teasing and joking but the friends all made plans to go together to get their measurements in hopes of making the record book. They all had another beer and headed off to their homes. In the interest of brevity, I’m going to fast-forward this story to a time well past their appointment.

It was the night of the week when all the friends were to get together, and they met up for beers and a barbeque. After feasting on spare ribs, corn on the cob, and potato salad, they all gathered in the living room for a few beers. The one hosting brought in three beers, set them on the coffee table, and then immediately left the room returning moments later holding a package. “You guys will never guess what came in the mail today!”, he said. Opening the package he revealed the latest edition of the Guinness Book of World Records. You could actually feel the excitement and anticipation within the room.

The first friend opens the book and starts rifling through the pages and then finally starts scanning a page about halfway through the book when his eyes light up and he exclaims, “See? I told you that I have the smallest feet in the world!” He then does an absolutely perfect Ickey Shuffle in celebration with his other two friends joining in. They then all clink beer bottles together and each one begins to chug.

The second friend nudges his buddy out of the way, starts flipping pages in the book, and finally finds the entry he’s looking for. He lets out a shriek that would’ve made you think that there was a little girl in the room. He starts jumping up and down and pointing at the page and yells, “Look! Look! I do have the smallest hands in the entire world!” He then does a perfect dab and proceeds to chest-bump each of his friends in celebration.

The third friend slowly reaches across the coffee table and begins to gently leaf through the pages of the book. He has a look of distress on his face. He finally reaches the page that he’s looking for and starts slowly moving his finger down the page looking for the exact entry. His friends notice as his eyes get bigger and their dear friend shouts, “WHAT? WHO THE HELL IS BUCCO MIKE????”