North Shore Nine

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re aware of the mega deal Shohei Ohtani has signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. The contract is funky. Ohtani reportedly will only collect $2 million per year, with the remainder being deferred.

I play this game in my head every time I see an article about someone hitting some ridiculous number in the lottery. What would you do if you suddenly came into that amount of money?

To be fair, Ohtani’s situation is a good bit different than a random person hitting the lottery. Yes, Ohtani hit the genetic lottery, but I have no doubt he’s put a tremendous amount of work toward being the player he is today.

That being said, I know myself. There’s zero, zilch, nada chance I would defer all that money into the future. I have a finance degree, dammit, and if I’ve learned one thing with that irrelevant piece of paper that’s either at my parents’ house, somewhere hidden upstairs in one of my bedrooms, or in a landfill somewhere, it’s the time value of money.

The Bobby Bonilla deal gets brought up quite often. Most people should be aware that Bonilla likely lost money taking that deal. If he had invested the lump sum amount, he could have collected much more than what he was paid. Similar to sabermetrics, finance doesn’t take the human species into account. If Bobby Bonilla is anything like myself, he would have blown through that amount within a few years. Bonilla probably did what was best for himself, and I’m assuming Ohtani is doing something similar, but that’s not going to stop me from playing my little hypothetical lottery game.

The first thing I’d do is quit my job. That’s the obvious answer. We all hate our day jobs and if you don’t, you’re lying. I wouldn’t even give a notice. Peace. I’m out, never to be heard from again. That also includes the North Shore Nine gang. I would disappear off the map. Actually, with that amount of money, I’d probably fake my own death just to find out who would come to my funeral. My money would be on Jim and Cody. I have high hopes that Kenny, Doug, and Neil would send a card. DiNardo would probably realize I’m gone 6 months later. He is old and senile, you know.

I would probably move to one of the Dakotas, Wyoming, Idaho, or somewhere like that. Not Montana, Yellowstone has overpopulated that state. I’d buy a ridiculous amount of acreage and wear a cowboy hat. I know nothing about farming or manual labor, but I think I’d look super good in a cowboy hat. Stack the closet up with some wrangler jeans, pretend I know what the hell I’m doing and probably lose half the money because I’d spent it hiring people to do things I know nothing about. Also, I’m lazy, and manual labor sounds horrible. This one might not work out for me.

If none of the above works out, I’d do what everyone who is a sports fan would. I’d buy a professional team. I wouldn’t just buy them, I’d fire the entire coaching staff and run the team myself. After looking at a team I could potentially afford, it appears I’d have to settle for a hockey team. That’s fine, I’ve played plenty of NHL on PlayStation in my day. First day of business, the head coach would be fired. It’s my team and my toy, I will do as I please. Also, there’s a pretty strict salary cap in hockey, so I should be able to survive off of revenue sharing until they boot my ass out of the league for running the team like the Danbury Thrashers.

Obviously, I’d prefer to have a baseball or football team. I could sit here and tell all 3 of you reading to this point that I would spend money and try my damndest to win a World Series. Nope, this is my toy and I would treat it as such. Yes, I will be the first one in line with pitchforks against Bob Nutting, but if you put me in his position I’d probably be cheaper than him. It wouldn’t be on purpose, I’d just be wheeling and dealing guys every time I got annoyed with them. You didn’t put your uniform in the bin? Traded. You had a bad week? Released. Didn’t say hello to me in the hallway? Indy ball for you. A true gunslinger, I’d say.

If you’ve somehow made it this far, what would you do with this ridiculous amount of money?